Famous dead men

Edgar Allan Poe

 A random moment of clarity...I've always been infatuated with famous dead men. After all these years I now know why...they cannot disappoint or hurt me. 

Not only this, but I can know their life from beginning to (often tragic) end. Dead people are more intriguing to me than some that live. 

Unless you're a lover of history or a deceased artist's work I do not expect you to understand. 

Not even sure I do.

Ernest Hemingway

Egon Schiele

Edgar Degas

Ezra Pound

Oskar Kokoschka

The Paris Wife and the complications of life

Today I finally finished "The Paris Wife" by Paula McLain. I asked for the book our last Christmas together and bought it for myself after the separation. Knowing Ernest Hemingway's history, I knew Hadley was his first wife - first of many. My heart would not allow my head to finish the story...to see it through because I have a personal connection.

I cried myself through the last 5 chapters, re-reading emotions. The underlying message that Hadley told herself...the same message I tell myself. "What is done, is done. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but you must be present."

Yesterday I watched a childhood friend marry. I saw the love, happiness and desire in her pink cheeks and bright blue eyes. I wept tears of joy for her; and tears of sorrow for myself. Selfish? Definitely. Stupid? Probably. But completely honest with myself? Yes.

Life is complicated with moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

Quote from the book...Hadley to Ernest:

"We'll always be friends - delicate friends, and I'll love you 'til I die, you know."

He gave me this our first Christmas together. I gave it back months ago. Memories hurt but are nessecary at times.














This post is dedicated to Hadley Richardson, Ernest Hemingway and Thomas. 

I am here

There are things. Millions of things that I could blog about. Things that are related to current events. Things that are related to my lack of posting. Things that could give you a sliver of insight to the craziness that is my life. But you see, these things are personal. These things do not help one grow...only hinder happiness. I'm tired of focusing on the past. This week has marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

From this moment on, I move forward.

The clutter is being swept away with desires and plans for A future. See, that's the thing about "future" there will be one. It might not be what you expected, or what you thought at the time was right...but you are on the right path. It's your life. LIVE IT.

I will no longer deny ideas. If I want to try something, I will do it - even if it's alone. 28 years of living to please everyone else has left me hollow and deformed. Yes, I'm selfish. Shouldn't everyone be? Does the Declaration of Independence not state we all have the right of "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" who's happiness? YOURS. Be selfish. I am no longer planning my joy around someone else.

No more stepping stone. No more referee. No more roommate. If you want to be a part of my life, I expect 2 things (as should everyone else);
1. Make the effort
2. Give me room to grow

If you want to be in my life, be there. No negativity. No narcissism. Just be there.

I am here. Where are you?

Don't call it a sunset, baby...Night is now day.

The Dark Side of Blonde

It's amazing how a little bit of color and a quick trim can change your mood for the rest of the day. I did something today I never thought I would do in a million years...highlights! Not just highlights, blonde highlights. That's right, take a moment and soak it all in. I will admit I had a mini freakout when I saw the difference. I think my husband is still in shock.

Why am I wasting a blog post on my latest trip to the Salon? Because I have been running in circles all week and needed a moment to clear my thoughts. Oh, plus I will be ON VACATION this coming weekend and out of town. Ah, I can't wait. I'm sure I'll uh, blog from the hotel room ;) but just in case I wanted to at least get in one more post before I pack my things and finish my work week.

I leave you with my new hair. I still can't believe I went to the dark side - but I do have bangs!

The future of this blog

Oh my little blog...what am I to do with you? I have treated you with such compassion and respect over this rocky year. You started as a window for me to once again make art. But somewhere along the way I lost sight of the joy and pain of accomplishment. I have let you down, my little friend and the guilt is all mine.

Now here we stand on the edge of a year...150 posts. Countless photos and unimaginable dreams. What do I do with you? I can't let you become one of the thousand lost blogs, but nor can I be with you as you are. I must say my farewell to 2011...so I must ask...will you follow me? Will you grow and look towards the future of 2012 and beyond? If so a name change is inevitable. Will you follow me to a brighter future?

Thank you for never doubting me. <3

Positively Forward

I had planed on sleeping but as usual my brain is stuck in "Go" Maybe it's me - maybe it's the season - maybe it's humanity; the "who" is not what is important...the emotions are the only focus. I've spent weeks living day to day, hour to hour in a haze of clarity. I'm surrounding myself with those who lift me up. My thoughts are positive. My heart is beating in a happier rhythm. I am a part of this world and I will make it better, one step at a time. 

I was reading through Positively Present's latest blog post the other night and it struck a cord with me.

"When the notion of death creeps into my mind now, it is followed by the questions: If not now, then when? If I don't live life now, when will I live it?"

 The blog post - hell the entire site is worth reading again and again. I told a close friend recently "I know what I want out of life and I know how to get it" I have the confidence needed to reach my goals and possibly surpass them. Life will throw shit in your way just to discourage you, but you don't have to let it. Instead of throwing a hissy-fit and giving up; learn from the experience and take the next step forward. There is so much I want out of life and if I don't start moving towards those dreams right now - at this very moment - then it's another moment lost. 

This post started with a quote I read on a friend's page...If you hadn't already heard Steve Jobs passed away today. When I read the following quote I knew I had to inhale every word, bury it in every inch of my being and continue to move forward to my dream.

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” -Steve Jobs

 And now I rest - still moving forward. <3

Ogres are like onions-they have layers

The scene from Shrek keeps replaying in my head "Ogres are like onions-they have layers" Thank goodness I am not like an onion (I despise them and never use them) but I knew everyone would get this reference and this would help you to understand what I'm about to share.

As some of you may be aware I have been away from work for nearly a month. This was due to an illness, but to look on the outside you would have not understood. I know I am putting my life and my reputation with my community and friends on the line, but I am at the point I can't hide this anymore and to continue to move forward I have to share. I have spent the previous 3 weeks fighting with myself. Life can make you crazy and it swallowed me whole. Up to this point, the harder I tried to get better...the more my emotions fought it. There had to be a reason as to why I was struggling.

Disclaimer: I am not pointing fingers or naming names. I am only explaining what I found the farther I traveled within my soul. If you are looking for some juicy gossip do me and everyone else a favor and close out of my blog..for good. There will be no gossiping. There is only, me.

*Deep breath* Ok, here is my journey through anxiety, depression and panic attacks.

In my first week on leave I knew I needed to look within myself to find the issues at hand. There was much chaos within that I was raging out in panic attacks and general anger. This is where I found Mika 1. She is the top layer, the closest to the outside world. She was very angry...not only at everyone around her, but more so at herself. Mika 1 had spent years and years trying to please everyone else. She thought this was the way to happiness. Once you do this over and over, people of course expect more. Frustrated with the lack of energy and desire Mika 1 panicked. I worked with her that first week. We hashed over the situations we were in and how to find resolutions. She slept...a lot.

Week 2: I found the second layer or better known as Mika 2. She knew there had to be a way of controlling herself since she could not control her surroundings. We drove quietly on sunny days with the windows down and the sunroof open. We paused to stare blankly at the mountains and breathe in the sweet scent of Summer dancing with Autumn before she retired until next year. This Mika knew she was heading in the right direction and hoped clarity would come soon.

Week 3: I found the bottom of all the confusion and chaos. I also found Mika 3. She was huddled alone, arms folded at her knees trying to keep herself protected above all else. This Mika had endured so much pain and heartache through out her life she didn't want to let the outside world in. She hid under the other two layers; safe. This Mika is the real me. Deep down I knew I hid to save myself regret. I only wish I had not waited so long to show...but I guess I wasn't ready. I had layer 1 (Mika 1) to protect me by pleasing everyone else. I had layer 2 (Mika 2) to show me a glimpse of happiness when it did filter through.

So that's it. I spent 3 weeks working with myself and can honestly say I am in control for the first time ever. I used to wish for one thing only...every shoot star, birthday candle and penny tossed in a fountain...my wish remained the same. They say not to share your wish or it won't come true, but mine has. My only wish was "To be happy" I need not wish anymore. My happiness is found in the arms of love, in quiet peaceful moments of solitude, in all of my creative outlets (finished or not) and in friends.

Yes, I am 27 years old and I finally know what makes me happy. I have found clarity. I have found peace. I have found a level of confidence I never knew I had.

It's like opening your eyes for the first time. It's like a breath of fresh air and it's like being home. My wish came true.

I had an idea for a photo, but the rain had other plans...so I did a self portrait using spare lighting. I feel new. I might look the same on the outside or you might think I look different...but all that matters is I know who I am, where I am going and what I need to do to get there.

With much love and humility,

Mika.

My Enemy

Your mind is full of traps. Your heart will tell you to be strong and do what is right...while your mind talks you in to a panic. I have a new enemy; my mind. For 27 years I have fought the voices that make me doubt myself. I have fought the rage that comes from my mind rewinding hurtful events of my life. I have fought tears, so many tears. I have spent the past 2 weeks fighting this demon to no avail. At the beginning of my struggle I wrote this:

She is my own Diablo
Always hiding in shadows
Lurking like a thief
Watching and waiting for me to fail

I slip back to loon
My thoughts cloud with decay
My Diablo has found her chance
She swoops in, dragging me along

Deep down in the depths of my mind
Is always our return
To recall pain, humiliation and loss
The images...so vivid...

I weep tears of blood
I scream with a shriek
I claw at the memories
And I break...

Once my Diablo has control
I float thoughtlessly and still
She convinces me I am safe
She promises to protect me.

I believe her as we drift toward the bottom
I have never reached this point
Never touched the source
Oh how I long for answers

My heart won't allow me to stay
"This once" I beg
I don't want to leave
I wish to be alone, just my Diablo & me.

I took this photo some time last month. Between birthday parties, weddings and my own issues I haven't touched my own work. At the time the photo symbolized a new day...it was morning and the plant at my kitchen sink window was preparing for the day. Now I see this symbol as my own sanity. With every drop I feel it falling further away.

My mind is winning the battle; but my heart won't give up yet.

Mika.

Page 11

There is no reason as to why I haven't touched my blog in a week. Life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns and until recently I was spinning out of control. I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks and I am pleased with the person I am molding in to. I think (one of) my breaking point was realizing I was finally following my life long dream and could not be excited.

On several occasions during the course of this blog (assuming you do read my randomness) I have expressed my passion for photography, and all art in general. Somehow; after spending a lot of money on a new camera, photographing every day life for months, and having the wonderful opportunity of teaching basic photography in my hometown...I wasn't as passionate about the whole situation as I should have been. Once I lost a piece of the puzzle that has become my life (having to cancel all of my photography classes), it dawned on me...I am tired of being in this rut; I have to change.

I'm still doing a lot of searching but at least now I can see an improvement in myself and my surroundings.

I think the inspiration for this blog post came from a new online magazine called "Wild Sister" I have been reading positive blogs and am challenging myself to become a better me. I found Wild Sister by shear mishap. One of the blogs I follow religiously "kind over matter" had a link on their sidebar. I was curious enough to click and didn't look back. I bought and downloaded the magazine and am on page 11/47. Wow...If I'm so inspired to share feelings within the first 10 pages..this is going to be one deep magazine. lol.

I've been saving this photo for a meaningful post; guess this is perfect. I'm once again able to find beauty in the simple things of life. Walking in the bathroom and seeing my shirt swaying to the air condition vent made me calm...I hope I manged to capture the feeling in the photo. My mother called while taking this shot. My husband walked in (with her on the line) and said "She's sitting in the floor taking a picture of a shirt" My mom's response? "She's got a vivid imagination." I'll take that as a compliment. :)

<3

Mika.

Vintage Hair For a Vintage Girl

Hello one and all! I'm in a great mood today! I was listed on Art Journaling Today's page for my mixed media journal piece! I wanted to say thank you to all of my friends on Facebook for the encouraging words. They are greatly appreciated, and help to keep the drive going!

In case you missed it yesterday...Now through Saturday I am having a giveaway of one of my favorite 5x7! You can view the details here. Thus far I've only had a handful of entries. I would like to continue offering these sort of things, but if I don't have enough people interested there is no point.

Last night I talked myself into being brave and quite possibly stupid. I've wanted to try a vintage 1930's or 1940's hair style for a while (the main reason I let my hair grow out). After viewing a video on Youtube using foam rollers I gave it a shot....aaaaand this is the segway to today's photos. ;)

Get ready everyone, it's a bumpy ride!

The "before" photo..yes, scary I know!

The next day. Man can my hair hold a curl!

Another view

It was a great experience and something I look forward to doing again soon. You can view the video I followed here. She has some amazing tutorials...definitely on my favorite's list!

I think that just about covers everything for today...

A preview for tomorrow: Photographs of a new necklace I made today! 

<3

Mika.

Tomato Obsessed

Day 110 Saturday May 14, 2011. I have this weird obsession with tomato juice. It started about a year ago, I would come home from work at 1am and eat dill pickles. I went through a jar a week, but it was never enough. Thinking it might be the sodium I turned to tomato juice and haven't stopped. lol. One gets funny looks from random grocery shoppers as you put 2 or 3 containers of tomato juice in the buggy. ;)

This post is ode to my little obsession. What a yummy obsession it is!

What's In A Name?

What is in a name? Why were you given the name you have? Do you like your name? Does your name scream "you"? For most of us, no...this is not the case. I spent most of my life hating my name. No one can pronounce it. No one can spell it (the weird way I spell it) and NOW that I'm married with "Joseph" as my married name...my name is even more manly. boo!

The post for Thursday and Friday are on the same subject...my name. I'm sure those of you with "Bob" "Mary" "Thomas" "Lisa" so on and so forth have a easy time finding meaningless stuff with your name on it. I do not have that luxury. Maybe that's why I cling to the item when I have something MADE for me.

Today's photo means a lot to me. I had open heart surgery at age 5 and as a way of "getting well" I was allowed to open 1 present per day for 7 days from one of my uncle's and his co-workers. This was what I opened on my first day out of the hospital. I was so excited to have something pretty with my name on it! It has hung on my door ever since.

Mika.