My Enemy

Your mind is full of traps. Your heart will tell you to be strong and do what is right...while your mind talks you in to a panic. I have a new enemy; my mind. For 27 years I have fought the voices that make me doubt myself. I have fought the rage that comes from my mind rewinding hurtful events of my life. I have fought tears, so many tears. I have spent the past 2 weeks fighting this demon to no avail. At the beginning of my struggle I wrote this:

She is my own Diablo
Always hiding in shadows
Lurking like a thief
Watching and waiting for me to fail

I slip back to loon
My thoughts cloud with decay
My Diablo has found her chance
She swoops in, dragging me along

Deep down in the depths of my mind
Is always our return
To recall pain, humiliation and loss
The images...so vivid...

I weep tears of blood
I scream with a shriek
I claw at the memories
And I break...

Once my Diablo has control
I float thoughtlessly and still
She convinces me I am safe
She promises to protect me.

I believe her as we drift toward the bottom
I have never reached this point
Never touched the source
Oh how I long for answers

My heart won't allow me to stay
"This once" I beg
I don't want to leave
I wish to be alone, just my Diablo & me.

I took this photo some time last month. Between birthday parties, weddings and my own issues I haven't touched my own work. At the time the photo symbolized a new day...it was morning and the plant at my kitchen sink window was preparing for the day. Now I see this symbol as my own sanity. With every drop I feel it falling further away.

My mind is winning the battle; but my heart won't give up yet.

Mika.