As some of you may be aware I have been away from work for nearly a month. This was due to an illness, but to look on the outside you would have not understood. I know I am putting my life and my reputation with my community and friends on the line, but I am at the point I can't hide this anymore and to continue to move forward I have to share. I have spent the previous 3 weeks fighting with myself. Life can make you crazy and it swallowed me whole. Up to this point, the harder I tried to get better...the more my emotions fought it. There had to be a reason as to why I was struggling.
Disclaimer: I am not pointing fingers or naming names. I am only explaining what I found the farther I traveled within my soul. If you are looking for some juicy gossip do me and everyone else a favor and close out of my blog..for good. There will be no gossiping. There is only, me.
*Deep breath* Ok, here is my journey through anxiety, depression and panic attacks.
In my first week on leave I knew I needed to look within myself to find the issues at hand. There was much chaos within that I was raging out in panic attacks and general anger. This is where I found Mika 1. She is the top layer, the closest to the outside world. She was very angry...not only at everyone around her, but more so at herself. Mika 1 had spent years and years trying to please everyone else. She thought this was the way to happiness. Once you do this over and over, people of course expect more. Frustrated with the lack of energy and desire Mika 1 panicked. I worked with her that first week. We hashed over the situations we were in and how to find resolutions. She slept...a lot.
Week 2: I found the second layer or better known as Mika 2. She knew there had to be a way of controlling herself since she could not control her surroundings. We drove quietly on sunny days with the windows down and the sunroof open. We paused to stare blankly at the mountains and breathe in the sweet scent of Summer dancing with Autumn before she retired until next year. This Mika knew she was heading in the right direction and hoped clarity would come soon.
Week 3: I found the bottom of all the confusion and chaos. I also found Mika 3. She was huddled alone, arms folded at her knees trying to keep herself protected above all else. This Mika had endured so much pain and heartache through out her life she didn't want to let the outside world in. She hid under the other two layers; safe. This Mika is the real me. Deep down I knew I hid to save myself regret. I only wish I had not waited so long to show...but I guess I wasn't ready. I had layer 1 (Mika 1) to protect me by pleasing everyone else. I had layer 2 (Mika 2) to show me a glimpse of happiness when it did filter through.
So that's it. I spent 3 weeks working with myself and can honestly say I am in control for the first time ever. I used to wish for one thing only...every shoot star, birthday candle and penny tossed in a fountain...my wish remained the same. They say not to share your wish or it won't come true, but mine has. My only wish was "To be happy" I need not wish anymore. My happiness is found in the arms of love, in quiet peaceful moments of solitude, in all of my creative outlets (finished or not) and in friends.
Yes, I am 27 years old and I finally know what makes me happy. I have found clarity. I have found peace. I have found a level of confidence I never knew I had.
It's like opening your eyes for the first time. It's like a breath of fresh air and it's like being home. My wish came true.
I had an idea for a photo, but the rain had other plans...so I did a self portrait using spare lighting. I feel new. I might look the same on the outside or you might think I look different...but all that matters is I know who I am, where I am going and what I need to do to get there.
With much love and humility,
Mika.
thank you so much for sharing this. i too have suffered in the past with panic attacks and i dont wish any of this on no one i am so glad you are feeling better. it feels good to know that i havent been the only one that has suffered this. i am happy to say that the lord took this from me years ago when i realized i couldnt do it alone thats when i hit my knees and prayed for the lord to take this and he did, the devil still fights me, and thats ok cause i have someone thats stronger than he is that will always be there to help me thru when i feel there is no way out. i love you and thanks again for sharing
ReplyDeleteI fight panic and depression every day, and I finally figured out that talking about it/sharing/admitting it {whatever} takes away some of their power! As soon as you can tell people your struggles, half of the battle you were fighting {to hide fear, to appear "normal"} is over. Hiding takes so so much effort it's exhausting, it's much more freeing to be ourselves... "warts" and all 8^)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! {feels pretty good, doesn't it <3 }
~Diana
Congrats on finding "you"! Its a long hard struggle that people who have never been depressed or never had a panic attack could never,ever understand.
ReplyDelete