Thursday, November 5, 2015

I am home - last night's awakening

I followed my mind, body and spirit last night. This is where it lead me.

     Another 1 AM nightly commute home, after so many years I know the road in my sleep. Tired of hearing the same drabble of songs I turn off the radio. On any other night, the silence would have terrified me - my thoughts, worries and frustrations scream at me as soon as silence appears. Not this night. My eyes fixed on the road, the yellow and white lines slowly guiding me home. My mind…silent, the only noise I register is the hum of the tires rolling on the blacktop. My heart is nearly empty…like a sponge wrung out to dry, I can feel it solidify. 

     Out of my stillness, a voice spoke to me…one I knew well and have spent my life ignoring. “Only when you are quiet will you find peace.” I knew those words, I had said them to myself many times. However, to make myself quiet is frightening; suddenly self-doubt, pain, rage and hopelessness take over…peace withdraws. 

     “Quiet and still” the voice spoke. I took a deep breath and listened. “Do not reconnect the dots of your memories – they have broken for a reason. Focus on now, focus on your happiness.”
Easier said than done, even if this is coming from my inner spirit. “This mind has been heavy for too long…seek peace.”

     When my vehicle stopped I had unknowingly driven to my childhood home; now empty. I let my feet direct me. Up the mountain side, in the still of this balmy November night I trekked to my favorite place. I reached the rocks, pulled my shoes off and stuck my feet in the cold creek bubbling beside me. My sense of hearing, touch and smell were guiding me to my destination… there was no need for sight.

     “Embrace this moment. Allow your heart to fill with your first love…nature. Allow your mind to be inspired by the beauty. Allow your spirit to rise above the tree top. Do this and you shall be whole.” Her voice drifted from my mind…I fell to my knees, hearing the leaves crackle below me, feeling the earth hold me, and breathing in air for what seemed to be the first time. I embrace that which I had fought for so long. I am home.

Mika Buell
November 5, 2015

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