Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's Another Year (Personal)


My heart is fighting with my head tonight...obviously my heart has won. I've spent several hours talking myself out of this post...only to admit I don't want to remember. April 18, 2002. Afton Tara Sanders was killed by a drunk driver. She was 17, merely weeks away from graduating High School and attending college. On this day so many people lost such an important person. She was a very dear friend to me. This photo was taken 4 hours before her death...Today makes 10 years since we all lost Afton. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It still doesn't seem real. The pain doesn't get better with time. We were all just kids, counting down the days until we graduated and got away. I will always love her.

And then...

April 18, 2009 7 years to the day of Afton's death....I lost my eldest brother. I find some sorta twisted irony...losing two great people on the same day, years apart. One was killed by a drunk driver...and the other was an alcoholic who killed himself slowly. I could never find a way to cope with losing am I supposed to cope with losing my brother? In his final days, I spent every hour I could with him. Saturday morning (April 18) the entire family sat in silence next to his bed. He was breathing, but did not move. How could I just sit there and watch my brother die? I felt so helpless. I felt so useless. My entire world turned upside down. I'm thankful now that my husband convinced me to leave before he took his last breath. I was 25, I couldn't stand to watch him leave me. My big brother....gone. An hour and a half before everyone was to meet at Afton's grave and let go of balloons on her anniversary, my brother died at the age of 38.

I never knew someone could cry so much. But I did.

So here we are; another year of remembering the pain. The death of Afton and the death of George. Another year of not knowing how to cope. Before I left my brothers side I told him over and over that I loved him. I wanted to make sure he heard me. I didn't have the chance to tell Afton...I'm thankful I was at least able to tell George.

I know everyone has lost someone close to them. I am not any better. I know we all have our stories. I couldn't be silent anymore about mine. My heart made me write...for me...for Afton and for George. I will carry them in my heart, always.

If anyone reads this..please, please don't drink and drive. Not only that...use discretion when drinking...and NEVER drink and take prescription meds together.

I send out a prayer for each and every person who is grieving tonight.

It's another year.



1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you on this. She loves you, too. He heard you and loves you, too. Let that be a comfort to you. We can't choose our sorrow any more than we can choose our blessings. Perhaps collecting your sorrows into one day, and allowing you to raise them in memorial on just one day, is God's way of helping you through the whole year. You've borne both types of heart-wound, and you're doubly as strong for it. Your love is as far-reaching as your strength. Sending bear hugs this day, and praying for your family, loved ones, and that strong heart of yours.


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