I am home - last night's awakening

I followed my mind, body and spirit last night. This is where it lead me.

     Another 1 AM nightly commute home, after so many years I know the road in my sleep. Tired of hearing the same drabble of songs I turn off the radio. On any other night, the silence would have terrified me - my thoughts, worries and frustrations scream at me as soon as silence appears. Not this night. My eyes fixed on the road, the yellow and white lines slowly guiding me home. My mind…silent, the only noise I register is the hum of the tires rolling on the blacktop. My heart is nearly empty…like a sponge wrung out to dry, I can feel it solidify. 

     Out of my stillness, a voice spoke to me…one I knew well and have spent my life ignoring. “Only when you are quiet will you find peace.” I knew those words, I had said them to myself many times. However, to make myself quiet is frightening; suddenly self-doubt, pain, rage and hopelessness take over…peace withdraws. 

     “Quiet and still” the voice spoke. I took a deep breath and listened. “Do not reconnect the dots of your memories – they have broken for a reason. Focus on now, focus on your happiness.”

Easier said than done, even if this is coming from my inner spirit. “This mind has been heavy for too long…seek peace.”

     When my vehicle stopped I had unknowingly driven to my childhood home; now empty. I let my feet direct me. Up the mountain side, in the still of this balmy November night I trekked to my favorite place. I reached the rocks, pulled my shoes off and stuck my feet in the cold creek bubbling beside me. My sense of hearing, touch and smell were guiding me to my destination… there was no need for sight.

     “Embrace this moment. Allow your heart to fill with your first love…nature. Allow your mind to be inspired by the beauty. Allow your spirit to rise above the tree top. Do this and you shall be whole.” Her voice drifted from my mind…I fell to my knees, hearing the leaves crackle below me, feeling the earth hold me, and breathing in air for what seemed to be the first time. I embrace that which I had fought for so long. I am home.

Mika Buell

November 5, 2015

I'm back!

Not many knew I was gone, but for better or for worse I am back!

"But Mika, where oh where have you been?"

I'll tell you my dear inquisitive friends. I have been here, there and everywhere. A traveling, writing, progressing wild woman as it were. I've spent hours, days and weeks hidden deep inside myself - looking for the core of Mika. I have emerged to claim 2015 has been the best year of my life in years. I celebrated a promotion I've been vying for and managed to keep my wits about me through some rocky times. I've spent most of this time...on the road.

Between a unforgiving winter, my parents farm and traveling, I have spent more hours behind the wheel than anywhere else (except sleeping of course!).

I leave you with photos - of course. I call this collection the long and winding road *cue The Beatles

 

My forever sidekick, Frida Kahlo. :)

Much love,

Mika

Margarita's Place

  *

Margarita has a place

at the corner of sorrow and regret

I visit her daily

under the neon lights and lonely guitar's howl

"Baby girl, you don't belong here" Margarita disapproves

"I belong nowhere if not in his arms." as I take my corner booth

She pats my shoulder and leaves me to the dark

Another night alone with a broken heart

Lesser men have tried

to sooth the pain

There is more behind a pretty face

But I'm just another bed post notch to their "game"

Margarita's place is where the lonely meet

To drown their anger in a poison of choice

Yet I take the darkest corner

Dying to forget the memory of his voice.

© Mika Buell

March 26, 2014

*note for artwork. Edgar Degas, L'Absinthe, 1876

New Years Day 2014 plus my word

Happy New Year everyone! Also Happy Anniversary to my precious blog. The lifeline for my random mind. 2013 is finally OVER. I thought 2012 was rough...it can get much worse, trust me.

I'm ready to start 2014 with the beautiful souls I surround myself with. Over the past year I have cut  several people out; my health and happiness has improved tremendously as a result. I plan on focusing on what is most important to me this year...my friends, boyfriend, writing and photography.

If you've read previous New Year posts you know I pick one word to describe what I want to feel/accomplish/change during the year. My first word (in 2012) was "Blossom". My art and writing did exactly that. 2013's word(s) "Move Forward" it literally took the entire damn year, but it happened. I'm happy to announce my word for 2014 is "Abundance"Cited

I have an abundance of love and creativity within me - all too often I take it for granted. When I look at my life right now, I'm thankful and humble at the abundance of positive influence everywhere I turn. I take nothing for granted, as I have just crawled out of Hell.









I love you all and I hope 2014 is your BEST year yet!

xoxox

Mika.

The Paris Wife and the complications of life

Today I finally finished "The Paris Wife" by Paula McLain. I asked for the book our last Christmas together and bought it for myself after the separation. Knowing Ernest Hemingway's history, I knew Hadley was his first wife - first of many. My heart would not allow my head to finish the story...to see it through because I have a personal connection.

I cried myself through the last 5 chapters, re-reading emotions. The underlying message that Hadley told herself...the same message I tell myself. "What is done, is done. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but you must be present."

Yesterday I watched a childhood friend marry. I saw the love, happiness and desire in her pink cheeks and bright blue eyes. I wept tears of joy for her; and tears of sorrow for myself. Selfish? Definitely. Stupid? Probably. But completely honest with myself? Yes.

Life is complicated with moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

Quote from the book...Hadley to Ernest:

"We'll always be friends - delicate friends, and I'll love you 'til I die, you know."

He gave me this our first Christmas together. I gave it back months ago. Memories hurt but are nessecary at times.














This post is dedicated to Hadley Richardson, Ernest Hemingway and Thomas. 

Ophelia - poem

Credits 

"Ophelia" by Sir John Everett Millais 1851

Ophelia

 

Ophelia whispers to me
the songs of sorrow
the sound of madness
the breaking of a woman’s heart

In winter clover I find her
leaning the direction of the wind
eyes soft and smiling
her wild blonde hair flowing in circles

With an angelic voice so pure and white
she sighs, “I wish to forget last night.”
“These men are all the same.”
“These men are all to blame.”

Embracing her fragile frame
I wish to give her all of my strength
to clear her mind of the mud
and find her own voice once more.

Ophelia please find the joy
that I know you have buried deep
after a lifetime of servitude,
please have courage

Ophelia leads me to the river
singing with the birds
gracefully dancing to her own tune
laughing all the while

With an angelic voice so pure and white
she screams, “I regret nothing of last night!”
“These men are all to blame!”
“Now every man will remember my name!”

Catching her reflection from the water
a single tear runs down her cheek.
“Dear one, this is my courage.
This is the voice that cannot speak”

As she floats along the current
Ophelia echoes to me
“Take the last breath from me,
for I - am free.”


Copyright Mika Buell-Joseph 2013

 Credit
"Ophelia" by Elle Moss

Happy New Year 2013

Happy New Year everyone! I must say I'm thrilled to see 2012 come to an end. Hands down the second worst year of my life...only proceeded by 2009 when I lost my brother. I've been dating everything 2013 this weekend...my mind, body and soul are all ready!

Every year we make resolutions that we don't keep. I accept that the only resolution I've kept is this blog and as of late I've only half-assed that. I am now in year 3 as of today. Happy Anniversary to Shutter Blossoms and all my readers who stuck through some crazy shit.

2013 I am NOT making a resolution. Time to air dirty laundry...for those of you out of the loop, my husband and I separated a few months back. Since this time my motto has been "Move Forward" and that's just what I'm going to CONTINUE to do this year. By the way, I'm not using it because it was Obama's slogan this year. I was saying it before it was cool! I have no other option but to move forward and I do so with a smile.

Credit

So here is to a new year with new possibilities. I hope you will continue to join me through the ups and downs. I promise it to be entertaining.

What are your New Years resolutions? Have you ever kept them?


Happy New Year. Be safe!!!!

Love,

Mika.
 

Poem - Kiss

Some things you cannot kiss better
like a bleeding heart
broken memories
and me

I've lived through your kisses
to tell the tale of sorrow
-such an unsightly scar

Your lips sealed my tomb
as you left me in darkness
my heart will not chance
another unmarked grave

A lifetime cannot heal
these kisses
our memory

-or this girl.

Mika Buell-Joseph 2012

"Kiss of Death" by *michellemonique

24 Hours - My Trip to Roanoke, VA Part 1

A girl can accomplish a lot in 24 hours - especially a girl with a camera and time all on her own. I had 4 days off this week and knew I couldn't stand to stay alone so I reserved a solo slot for an overnight trip to Roanoke, VA. Everyone has asked me, "Why Roanoke?" Why not? It's less than 5 hours away and is quite an amazing place. When I say everyone has asked me..I do mean everyone; including (but not limited to) the Virginia police officer who pulled me over.

I would be doing the world a huge misfortune if I didn't share this story with you all. If you're not interested then by all means scroll on down...but you're gonna regret it. While I'm at it; disclaimer for foul language. ;)

Nearly 20 miles from my hotel exit an unmarked car flashed their lights and stopped me on I-81. Now in my head: I'm wearing my seat belt, not speeding, not on the phone/texting, both hands on the wheel and the music playing low...what the fuck does this guy want? He strolls up to my passenger window doing the big macho man knock on the side of the vehicle (I guess to see if it was hollow) he asked the usual, how are you, where are you heading etc...finally he says, "I pulled you over because I'm pretty sure your windows are too dark." Wait...what? I'm puzzled at this point. "I think they're probably too dark for Kentucky too. I'm just going to give you a warning. May I see your license and registration" of course I obey.

After running me (which I'm sure he was disappointed in wasting his time doing all this shit) he brings back my ID and uses a little meter device to see how dark my windows are. While the meter is testing he says, "Virginia state law is anything below 15." We both look at the meter and at each other. My reading? 14! "So I'm under the law?" I questioned as I smiled. "Yes, it says you are." Knowing you're in the right, especially when it comes to a prick of a officer is the best feeling in the world. He then questions why I'm going to Roanoke for one day...I did not have to explain a damn thing to him but I have nothing to hide. I told him I was a photographer (and pointed to the camera bag in the floor) and wanted to get away. I live just a few hours away and didn't think it was a crime to spend the night one state away from home. Of course his reply was, "I work with the crime and drug task force and that's why I was asking" "Oh, so you think I'm smuggling drugs from Kentucky? Really?" "Ma'am, have you ever been in trouble?" "Didn't your little scan on me already tell you this? No. In fact I now have paper work to fill out when I return to work for talking to you...you gave me more work over nothing." "But I didn't give you a ticket or warning..." After I informed him in much more detail what I meant, he changed his tune quick. Needless to say, I was "Free to go" and he hoped I "enjoy your stay"...I was so pissed I didn't think to get his name. I know cops get a bad rap because of douche bags like him, but he really was just an asshole who tried to push the wrong girl.

Luckily things got better after that :)

I stayed at Holiday Inn Express & Suites in Salem, VA. Crazy that a double room was cheaper than a single, but a room is a room to me!

I want the bathroom lights!

I made reservations for one at the fancy steakhouse in downtown Roanoke. Call me Lily Davenport from now on. :) The dress code was "Business casual" so I played.

 

Me or should I say "Lily" :)

The place was called Frankie Rowland's Steakhouse and it was much more laid back and comfortable than I ever expected. My reservation was for 7:45 and I couldn't have picked a better time in terms of crowd. There were groups everywhere. I didn't allow myself to feel out of place for being alone. It's something I'm getting used to and if I'm to travel (like I dream) I have a feeling I will be doing it a lot. 

I asked the hostess for permission to photograph a few things in the restaurant to write about, this was obviously an odd request as she asked her manager. Needless to say I was allowed! My server was Stephani and I could not have asked for a better one! I told her off the bat about my plans and she went to great lengths to assist me. 

I had originally requested Split Chicken Breast with Rosemary Beurre Blanc but Stephani came back in a tizzy...for they had ran out of chicken due to a large party in the back. This turned out to be in my favor because I spoiled myself with an appetizer.

Artisan Cheese Plate (three cheese) I ate nearly everything on the platter!

My salad: Sliced Beefstake Tomatoes, Fresh Mozzarella and Balsamic Reduction

Every thing was fresh and flavorful. Tamara had mentioned the salad when I linked her the menu so after the chicken fiasco I knew it was meant to be!

My water never ran low, my table cloth was cleaned after each plate and I was thanked by every employee as I left. To have randomly picked a place to dine I really lucked up.

Be on the lookout for Part 2 this weekend!

PS: This is my 200th blog post!

Letter to 17 Year Old Me

This was not an easy post for me to write. Self evaluation 11 years later.
 

Dear 17 year old Mika,

Darling you think you know it all but you have so much to learn. The bad experiences you have faced thus far are the beginning of a tidal wave that no one can control. Don't worry, there are plenty of good times to be had.

There are so many things I would have told you...so many times I would have kicked your ass for your words and actions.

Learn to let go.
Learn to dance-you loved ballet as a child but you're better at watching it in the crowd. Learn to tango or waltz. You might think it's dorky now but some day you'll wish you had.
Stick with your writing. A 4 year hiatus is not a wise choice after all.

Stop over-analyzing every aspect of your life, it will only cause you grief later.
Learn to love yourself. I know you at 17 are your worst enemy. People around you can and will pollute your mind to try to mold you into something you simply cannot be. Since the day you were born they have been trying this...don't let them win. Stand up and fight for who you are.

Think before you react. Your temper and hate for the world will only lead you down a path that takes nearly a decade to recover from.

Tell those closest to you how much you care - some of them will pass away, some will move away and some you push away. A handful will stick around but one you will hurt so much they are never the same again.

Take chances.
Take time to enjoy the moment. Turns out everyone is right, the little things matter the most.
Visit your siblings more...before it's too late.
Winter Snowball is the night your life changes forever. Remember the Christmas tree lights and being safe in his arms.
Save money. This is still a hard principle a decade later.

Ask Mom to teach you to sew. She will be thrilled and you will have a head start on mending clothes!
Oh and while you're at it, have her teach you to make homemade biscuits and gravy (your husband loves them and it's the one thing you can't make)
Buy the darkroom set!
I know we're all about film, but it's ok to accept digital as another outlet of photography. Granted in 2001 your basic digital camera is crap...give it a few years. You will still appreciate film!
Take better care of your music collection.
Take better care of you - I'm still working towards this.
Stop pouting. Stop crying. Start living.

I want to tell you to be happy, but it's just not that simple. Find the right balance and rise above your depression. Rise above your negative thoughts. Talk. Get help. Life will not go as planned, but through the detour you will find peace and surround yourself with some amazing friends.

I guess what I'm trying to say baby girl is don't hide away. Be you. Embrace every aspect of your life and you will live to tell the tale.

Sincerely,
28 year old Mika.

 

Senior Prom 2002

 

 Future husband <3

7 Questions (#21)

I am finally brave enough to share in the 7 questions from Gentri Lee.

Funny picture of the week: a oldie but a goodie. Senior year of High School, 2001. My best friends Beth, Lynz and I randomly advertising for a Mexican drink. I miss those days and those girls!

1. I say "Jump" You say ______.

2. What is your favorite flower?
Currently; white orchids

Credit

3. If you had to choose between having plumbing or electricity, which would you choose?

 Plumbing - though I'd prefer to have both!

4. What is your go-to funny youtube video? (keep 'em clean) 

5. Do you think dreams mean something?

Sometimes - I can see how people become superstitious from dreams due to coincidence.  

6. Do you collect anything?

 Vintage cameras, art, bottles, magazines, books and anything else I can find lol

7. You're in a situation that is everything it should be. You're with the right people, in the right place, doing the right things, but it doesn't "feel" right... What do you do?  

Just because everything is as it should be doesn't make it right. I would leave. The older I get the more I come to terms it's ok to be selfish. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.  

There you go kids. 7 answers from my crazy mind. Got a blog? Answer the 7 questions and link up at Gentri Lee. 

 

I am here

There are things. Millions of things that I could blog about. Things that are related to current events. Things that are related to my lack of posting. Things that could give you a sliver of insight to the craziness that is my life. But you see, these things are personal. These things do not help one grow...only hinder happiness. I'm tired of focusing on the past. This week has marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

From this moment on, I move forward.

The clutter is being swept away with desires and plans for A future. See, that's the thing about "future" there will be one. It might not be what you expected, or what you thought at the time was right...but you are on the right path. It's your life. LIVE IT.

I will no longer deny ideas. If I want to try something, I will do it - even if it's alone. 28 years of living to please everyone else has left me hollow and deformed. Yes, I'm selfish. Shouldn't everyone be? Does the Declaration of Independence not state we all have the right of "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" who's happiness? YOURS. Be selfish. I am no longer planning my joy around someone else.

No more stepping stone. No more referee. No more roommate. If you want to be a part of my life, I expect 2 things (as should everyone else);
1. Make the effort
2. Give me room to grow

If you want to be in my life, be there. No negativity. No narcissism. Just be there.

I am here. Where are you?

Don't call it a sunset, baby...Night is now day.

Week in Grams

I see lots of fellow bloggers sharing their Instagram photos by week so I thought I'd give it a go. As I'm (still) new to Instagram I had to cheat and share two weeks worth, but it's a start!

My handsome husband in the coolest apron - ever!

When I become rich and famous I will have every item Williams Sonoma sells!

I'm Going Home-Part 2

Welcome to the second part of my mini vacation to Charleston, SC. If you missed the first post, read it here.

I'm rather ashamed of myself, as I have not touched the photos I took with my baby (Canon) because A. It's overwhelming B. It depresses me C. It's overwhelming. I hope to at least get a start on them today...ha.

I think I have just inspired myself to work on photos.

Cheers <3

I'm Going Home

As with a lot of aspects of my life, this blog title has more than one meaning for me.

1. A song from one of my all time fave movie Rocky Horror Picture Show
2. I've always called Charleston, SC my second home.
3. I have always said "I want to go home" even when wrapped in my husband's arms in our residence
4. I will never settle until I am home.

I spent 3 glorious days on a mini vacation in Charleston with my parents. It had been 8 years since my last visit, and the same amount of time vacationing with my family.

I was just as excited this time as all of my previous trips as a child/teenager. I have yet to find another place that gives me such peace and joy. Naturally this is why I gravitate towards it.

May I present to you the first set in the series "I'm Going Home"

 5:12 AM Sunday morning I'm awake...but barely functioning. Pardon the date, it's still wrong. lol.

 6:30AM We are pulling out of the driveway. I'm in the backseat hoping to catch a little shut eye since Daylight Saving Time decided to kick in that morning!

 Wide awake in South Carolina.

Stunned at the trees in bloom while the same in Kentucky lacked buds!

Be on the look out for the next installment of "I'm Going Home" soon!

My new tattoo. Sing

Yesterday I fed my addiction. Ladies, gents and my lovelies - meet my new tattoo.

Many have questioned "why sing?" There are a million reasons. But the simple honest truth; Amanda Palmer is an inspiration to me. My first memory of her, The Dresden Dolls and all of Amanda's artsy goodness was an interview on Fuse. I was intrigued by her almost instantly. Then...I witnessed what was to be a permanent shift in my musical taste - the video for "Sing".

If you truly listen to the lyrics, you will understand.

Music (and singing) have always played a major role in my life. Anyone who knows me personally can vouch for that. Naturally it started off with singing in church as a child. From there it progressed to the point of obsession. Now it is the theme music to my crazy life and a true source of inspiration.

The credit for the design goes to my dear friend Tamara. She is one hell of a talented artist - and I'm not saying that because we're friends! I randomly asked her to draw my magical word "Sing" in different styles. Just a few hours later I had acquired a piece of paper with the word written 15 different ways and doodles to go along...even the fat lady was singing in the margin! 

It's pretty awesome when you realize just how much people touch your life. Amanda Palmer inspired me to "Sing", Tamara inspired my design and the awesome tattoo artist inspired me to continue to be tough. I mean this quite literally...he told my husband (afterwards) I was tough as nails. In my mind I knew it was a short amount of pain for a beautiful gain.

I leave you with the video that inspired me all those years ago.

"There is thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked

It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance"

Love,

Mika

Coffeeshop, Rust, Annabel

I have 10 days left to enter the poetry contest I've waited years for. I've narrowed it down to 3 poems...I can enter all of them (for an additional $10 each) so I thought I would share my top 3 with everyone. Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.

Poem #1 Definitely entering this one

One day our paths will cross
In a quiet coffee shop downtown
You will be in the corner reading "The Communist Manifesto"

As I step through the door
You will look at me and time will pause
Minutes pass before my mind jolts
You smile amusingly with your blue eyes

My heart will sink as I walk by you
Memories flash before my eyes
And my hands will shake

Do I speak to you?
Do you acknowledge me?
Do we treat this as a delicate flower?
Or a rock in the road?

Just as my lips part to force a syllable
You raise your head and whisper
"Not here...Not now...Not ever"©

Poem #2 

I am rust
Tears trickle down my bronze face
Shamed by you
My rust continues to grow

I am rust
You left me in the rain
Cold and alone
A statue frozen in time

I am rust
No amount of caring
No amount of love
Can turn me back

I am rust
Tarnished by lies
Ruined by hate
And broken by pain

I am rust
Orange and brown
My feelings are peeling away
Falling at my feet

I am rust
Weathered and unidentified
Dead to all but me
The rust has consumed the best of me

I.. am... rust...©

Poem #3 

'You are my Annabel Lee
Your life has such tragedy'
These words you often spoke to me
And to this day still linger like a mystery.

For a second of a life time
I lived for you - you were mine
Now I long to hear those lines
To have them echo in my mind

Losing hope in you
Is something I never wanted to do
But as the pain grew
I knew nothing else could be true

I was your Annabel Lee
Now just a memory
Like a bird longing to be free
You are caged in your tragedy©

Thanks for feedback in advance! <3

Simply Peace

I spent the better part of today thinking about this post and what I wanted to say. My mind is tired. Tired of over-rationalization. I find myself getting lost in the void. As a child I spent hours on end daydreaming. Now it's not so much a daydream - it is simply peace.

The following photos are from my journey through the forest behind my house. It was exactly what I needed, I just had to follow my feet to reach it.

Take care,

Mika.