Typeless

What a week...I've sat, staring blankly at the blinking cursor on the screen...waiting for my next thought, word, letter. Sometimes they come easy...sometimes not at all. Sometimes you have so much to say and no way of letting it be free. The words do not exist. It's a rare case for me to be speechless, or typeless as it were. I used to accomplish my best work under these conditions...under this delusional state...but things change.

I won't air my dirty laundry here. I refuse to give in. I can keep it bottled in my mind where it will bleed and change colors, turning in to something different...something workable. 

Today's post won't make sense to a lot of people and that's ok with me. This is a personal day, built on personal reflections and my life 27 years in the making. Further down the rabbit hole...

Not only has it been raining in my mind, it was raining in the real world today...

I attempted to write a poem, but when that failed I reached out for one of my old ones... It didn't happen the way I thought it would in the poem...and in a way I'm glad. I'm glad there were actual words...

One day our paths will cross
In a quiet coffee shop downtown
You will be in the corner reading "The Communist Manifesto"

As I step through the door
You will look at me and time will pause
Moments will pass before either of us move

Finally you look away smiling with your blue eyes

My heart will sink as I walk by you
Memories flash before my eyes
And my hands will shake

Do I speak to you?
Do you acknowledge me?
Do we treat this as a delicate flower?
Or a rock in the road?

Just as my lips part to force a syllable
You raise your head and mumble
"not here...not now...not ever"

May 2008.

For years I hated myself for what happened...where do you go the day after? I feel lost.

 Here. In my head.

<3

Mika.